The Baal Teshuva Diaries

 When I was in elementary school, I was picked on a lot.  The teasing was merciless .  I imagined, at the time it was because my classmates were antisemitic.  Not that I knew the word antisemitism.  But I knew that I was the only girl with curly hair.  (My hair is not just curly.  It's extra curly.) I knew that I had freckles, buck teeth, and towered over the boys.  I knew that most of my clothes were hand me down and I could not run very fast.  I did not go to the same camps, country clubs, or certainly churches as the other children. I did not learn how to push myself to excel at athletics until high school. Thus, I had no particular skills of value in the elementary school economy.   Being to endure a vast amount of physical pain is not a particularly valuable school in elementary school. I impressed a soccer coach with that skill once.  That's about it.  They didn't test for that skill in the nineties and they certainl...

It’s my (English calendar) birthday and I’m taking a look at how I got here.  I never, in a million years, would have predicted becoming frum.  My whole life I strongly identified as Jewish. Which was problematic. I have one Jewish parent and it’s the “wrong” one.  I was living my life, if not happily, semi-successfully. I worked as a rowing coach and coxswain, with intermittent teaching jobs- I’ll maybe write more about my sports background at some point- and dated various guys. At 26 (I think… maybe 25) there was a shooting at the Tree Of Life Synagogue in my home town of Pittsburgh. I had been very mildly Jewish until then . But suddenly, it felt like no one in my life understood me. I walked into a Conservative shul, seeking a community who instinctively understood what was probably an epigenetic fight or flight reflex. (It’s fight. This is me. It’s always fight). Let me be clear about one thing. I’ve always even drawn to the beauty in Judaism. While my family was so ...

I’m being very vague to protect the kids I’ve worked with, past and present.  But every so often as a teacher, I meet a kid who punches me in the gut. Not literally. (although with all the behavior issues we’re seeing these days, it happens) But every so often I meet a kid who needs love so much it hurts.  Sometimes they’re the kids you would think they are.  The refugees and the kids from broken homes or the special needs students. But sometimes they’re just regular kids who , for some reason you will never know, desperately need to be loved.  I can sense those kids. More than your regular teacher, I’d argue.  Sometimes when I feel like quitting, I think HaShem must have put me in this place for a reason. I can always find the kids who need a little extra.  And don’t get me wrong, all kids need a little extra sometimes. And some kids are easier to love than others. It’s not like I never lose my patience. I’m just particularly good at loving the kids who ne...

 I did not think I was going to get political on my blog.  Nor did I ever, in a million years, imagine this was the stance I would be taking.  I grew up a die-hard liberal.  My views still put me far to the left of many Orthodox Jews.  But -  This is the stance I am taking.  Jews in America have supported and supported racial justice, economic equality, women’s rights, and what do we have to show for it?  BLM- antisemitic MeToo- won’t stand up and condemn Hamas violence against Israeli women  Greta Thunberg-?- supports Hamas No one will stand for the Jews.  Liberals have bought the pro Hamas narrative that Jews are colonizers and they, the Arabs (the true colonizers) are the native population. A convenient narrative for Hamas.  Even if you don’t share my religious convictions, you can look at physical, archeological evidence showing a Jewish presence in Israel far before Arab colonization. You can read Roman or Greek documents....

I’ve always had a soft spot for Leah, our matriarch.  But today I feel like I could be Leah. I want to cry and cry until my eyes give out too. With the war in Israel I feel like my struggles are stupid.  But  I’m so, so tired.  I’m hurt.  Physically, I’m not doing well.  Mentally I’m not  feeling great either.  I know I should draw strength from Leah. Maybe tomorrow I will. .

I put it in all caps so you know I mean business. I really doubt, based on my sporadic posting history, that anyone reads this blog any longer.  And if you do, chances are high that you are also a Jewish woman and in that case I am preaching to the (Jewish) choir.  I'm angry.  I'm sad. I'm scared. But mostly, angry.  I'm a redhead with a redhead temper.  I'm angry at all the people I'm friends with on facebook from college who are APALLED at the loss of Palestinian lives but couldn't give a d-mn about dead Jewish children. I'm angry that they decided to shout "from the river to the sea" like genocide is just fine as long as it's Jews were killing Not only do these lily white goyim not have any skin in the game, so to speak, but I'm quite sure Hamas would be almost as happy to see them dead.  Idiots. Yes, I'm angry. I'm angry that Jews are "white" when it suits your political agenda for us to be so like the Holocaust wa...