How I Accidentally Gave Out Themed Mishlach Manos

 Hello again lovely readers. (All, from what I can tell, two of you.)

My husband is at a kollel party, my baby has passed out on my lap after taking an hour-long bath, the panic of knowing I have nothing planned for my toddler students tomorrow hasn't hit me yet, and the second trimester heartburn is only moderate.  The perfect time for my Purim debrief. 

One of the many things that came as a total surprise to me and my aforementioned lack of any domestic skills or inclination whatsoever, was the concept of themed Shalach Manos.  I should be clear that while shalach manos were definitely "done" in my old neighborhood and frequently quite tasty, themes were not a thing.  My inner detetective suspects this is because many people were students and while there were families with kids, the majority were childless.  What's the point of a theme if you don't have a family in themed costumes?  BH" I have a family.  We do not dress in themed costumes.  Here were the costumes in my family this Purim.  

1 -Husband: A Star Trek "Red Shirt" - the redshirts are the people who tend to get killed off in Star Trek episodes.  Why do they always wear red shirts?  I don't know. Maybe if they were more tznius in their choice of clothing, they wouldn't get killed off by whatever hostile force is in that episode.  My husband was raised by a mother who's a trekkie and this has been his costume every Purim for as long as I've known him.  Its complete with fake blood which looks particularly great coming out from under a black hat.Some kid in an army uniform apologized for shooting him.  That was actually pretty clever.  Good job, kid.

  2- Baby: she was an avocado.  I ordered her costume on Amazon a week before Purim. It was adorable.  By 11:00 am she was on her third blow out diaper of the day and that was the end of the costume.  

3- Me- I don't dress up because like maybe, according to some people, it's not tznius for women(?)* This is when my husband tells me I'm taking on chumras for the sake of chumras. To be honest, this is an example of a chumra that works for me. I don't like coming up with costumes. I feel silly in my skin all the time, drawing attention to myself in costume is my own personal nightmare. Yes, I am basically in middle school.  If it's a chumra, it's a chumra.  But I definitely appreciate not having to participate in this part of Purim.

All this said, it should come as a surprise to you that I ended up giving out themed shalach manos.  It should come as less of a surprise to you that only about six of them were themed.  To say that I was in a panic the week before Purim is a slight overstatement. I wasn't panicked. I save that for Pesach.  But I was feeling the pressure because, as I had recently found out, Purim was something that women feel pressure over.  My aforementioned extremely reliable sources of information indicated to me that there is a definite ranking of things you can put in mishlach manos.  Excuse my raging naivete, but previously I had thought you put in two things: hamantaschen and fruit.  Bonus points if the hamantaschen are homemade, which shows you care.  Luckily for me, I had off of work the week of President's Day, which gave me time to make dough, cut it into little circles, and freeze it.  Having also made challah that week, and being extremely limited in my tolerance for both hamantaschen (I hate them. Don't get me started) and homemaking, once I had cut twelve little circles and run out of dough, I was done.  Unfortunately, this limited burst of baking did not square with my idea of "what Purim should be."  I wanted to have endless shalach manos. I did not want to be caught empty handed, if chas v'shalom, some lovely person whose name I couldn't remember gave me a package and I had nothing for them. Fortunately, inspiration struck.  Namely, I remembered that there was no requirement to give hamantaschen.  I had to give two different food groups (brachas).  No one, and I mean no one, would be disappointed not to get my slightly too baked hamantash.  So, for the twelve of you who did recieve a home baked hamantash in your shalach manos, I'm sorry.  If it's any consolation, I think they didn't actually turn out too bad.  I didn't taste them, because, as I've said, I hate them. But they smelled pretty good coming out of the oven.  

Several times the week before Purim I sent my husband to the grocery store.  Having a husband who is unemployed, for what I hope will only be a short time, has its perks.  He came back with all sorts of weird things to put in shalach manos.  This was great!  We ended up making 75 packages.  I felt so proud of us.  The best part was, some of them had avocados in them. I told my husband to get fruit and one of the fruits he came back with was avocado.  

 AVOCADOS!  That's my baby's costume!  I'm a balabusta, guys!  I did it!  Sort of... 

The day was full of highs and lows.  

LOW: getting out the door to get to a megillah reading in the morning with my baby.  What psycho takes a baby to a megillah reading?  Me.  Because my husband was already at minyan and he couldn't take her.  She was amazingly quiet, but my blood pressure went through the roof when she had one of her many blowout diapers today (what have we been feeding this kid!?) two minutes before the reading was supposed to start.  I didn't have any spare diapers.  Or wipes.  I ended up washing her with paper towels in the bathroom at shul and holding a diaper free baby on my lap during the reading. I don't want to talk about it.  

HIGH: Feeling of relief when the reading was over, I had sort of followed the text, and my baby was quiet (I gave her the phone and let her play with the buttons.  Magic) 

LOW: somehow, we still ran out of packages and my husband's chevrusa showed up at the door.  I managed to throw something together for my friends' kids who showed up at the exact same time but didn't have time to grab something for him. Also, he showed up when my husband was out driving his parents to the airport (don't ask) and I'd never met him before.  I wasn't expecting someone quite so young and might have stared at him like an idiot trying to figure out who he was for a few minutes.  It wasn't good.  Why did he have to come to our door when my husband was out?  If my husband was there, he could have stalled him for a few minutes while I threw something together.  It's a conspiracy.  

 HIGH: We actually did walk around as a family, delivering mishlach manos to all and sundry.  THIS is why I love living in a frum neighborhood.  It was actually really nice.  

LOW: Since beginning this post, I have put the baby down in her crib.  The baby, being too smart for me, woke up five minutes after being put down, despite the fact that she was out like a light and has been screaming ever since.  

I know you're supposed to end things on a high note, but I'm too distracted by trying to pretend that I'm not bothered by the baby's screams, because I know that it's good for her to go to sleep in her crib(I'm not here to have any arguments about sleep training) so with that, I conclude.  If you're reading this, and I happen to know you and I didn't give you  or your kids something today, I still love you, your kids are adorable, my pregnant self gave up on shlepping around the neighborhood much sooner than expected, and next year I'll make 175 packages.

* Again, I will remind everyone that my reliable sources of information are Mishpaha/ AMI Living, Imamother, and random things other women say, usually when talking to each other and not me.